Of love, loss, and neon.
March 22, 2010It's been over a month, and I'm still hiding under the table (retarded thing I do, as if somehow I could hide from the world there), except there is no kitten to tell me he will hide under the table with me and that we can throw everything we don't like out from under the table.
It's been over a month and I'm still crying to and from work every day, and any time my boss leaves for lunch.
Like a fool, I have fallen into the habit of talking to myself, as if he were there, sitting next to me. Over a month, and I'm still crying myself to sleep. I manage to sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up, cry some more, try to sleep again, next thing I know it's morning and it's time for me to go to work again. Sleeping schedule is a mess, eating habits have been a mess, my motivation has been non-existent.
I'm not just sad for the loss, but for everything that would have been and didn't get to be. For the million and one presents I had already picked out for him for every upcoming occasion. For everything we wanted to do and see together that won't happen. For the fact that he was exactly the person that I needed in my life, but because I am completely emotionally incompetent, didn't even get to tell him that I loved him.
My boss reminded me to start working on everything that needs to be ready for next month's Microsoft Convergence in Atlanta. I had completely forgotten about the damn Convergence in Atlanta as the last time I had talked about it, was when I had excitedly told kitten that we had signed up to be exhibitors and that I would get to visit him in April. “So far away…” he said =(
The release date for my next album is already set for next month, April 15th (it was supposed to be for the beginning of this month, but well, clearly I haven't been able to get myself sufficiently together in time to make that happen). Thanks to Amazon already listing it as available for pre-order, now I kind of just have to stick to getting everything ready in time to make it happen. Except that as much work as I've put into this for over the past year pouring my heart and soul into it, my heart's not in it at the moment. I don't even want to breathe right now, let alone have to be enthused about promoting a new album when I just feel like the one chance at happiness that I may have had in life, just slipped through my fingers, so unnecessarily.
I mean when two people decide that things aren't working out and they want to part with each other, it's one thing, it has to be accepted, respected as a mutual decision, or even if it's just from one person's behalf. But this? How can I come to terms with this when it's not what either of us would have wanted? I was the one always bringing up cyanide, for MYSELF. kitten was always the one to remind me that the world needed someone like me in it. HE wasn't the one that was supposed to go.
I had all the artwork for the album completed and submitted before kitten went into the hospital. He had already heard all the songs, I had already sent him the cover as a preview. He asked to see the rest of it, I refused to show him. I wanted him to have something that he could touch and feel as a finished product once the copies were printed, instead of just sending him some JPG file. He never got to see the finished product.
I thought of all sorts of stupid possible problems, because that's just how I am, I have to analyze things and think about how things would work out into the future, even if it's nowhere near that point. I thought I would be allergic to his cats (I'm allergic to the majority of cats). He told me that was a genuine concern, but that we could worry about that when we actually got to that point. It turned out I wasn't even allergic to them. That, and a million other little things which all would have worked out.
I'm admittedly driving myself crazy with this. Replaying every moment, every conversation we had in my mind like a broken record. How maybe it was all somewhat selfish as I felt that the reason we got along so well was because we were so much alike in so many ways. For once, I found someone who complained about the world almost as much as I do. For once, someone didn't think I was complaining but actually understood the reasons behind my discontentment with everything. For once, I found someone whom I was genuinely interested in, and who was genuinely caring towards me.
I'm broken. I've always been broken. It wasn't kitten's job to fix this, but he always offered to help. I didn't expect someone to come along and make everything better, but kitten was someone whom I could honestly express my feelings to, without taboos about any subjects, someone to share happy news with, and someone to also offer support and comfort when everything was falling apart.
Now everything is falling apart. I'm falling apart. And there is no kitten to care, no kitten to try to help, no kitten to send me little songs about space to cheer me up.
I know this is irreversible. I know the sooner I get myself to accept that, the better it will be for me. But at the same time, I know how ridiculously thick headed and stubborn I can be, even when having to accept the only reality that is left to be accepted.
When I was 14, I decided I hated everything so much, that I stopped talking. I stopped talking to everyone, including parents, teachers, classmates, everyone, for 2 entire years. For 2 years straight, every week, my classmates would come up to me, try to talk to me, invite me to go out with them. For 2 years, I stared right through them as they were talking to me, as if they did not exist.
I've gone through some rather “dark” times before. I've had quite a share of tragedies in my life. But this, this is the saddest I’ve ever been. And that, is saying a lot.